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Relationship Insecurity

Relationships are really very complex things. We build up a lifetime's worth of experiences and thoughts and expect to meet someone who will be compatible with our own unique take on the world. It's no wonder that we run in to compatibility issues.

As we grow up, we form our needs and wants mainly from our childhood experiences which is an extremely personal thing for us. Within a relationship, there is the added complication of a myriad of emotions that go with love.

So how can it be that we can be at our loneliest when actually in a relationship? Well to answer this question, we need to look at the kind of things that happen to ourselves during a relationship and particularly what happens to us when things start to go wrong.

One of the most crucial aspects is what happens to our 'identity' and our relationship to 'our self'. In a perfect environment, two people in a relationship will join together and form a dual identity whilst still retaining key aspects of their own personalities and lifestyle. Things start to go wrong when one of the people feels that they are not getting enough back from the other…either rightly or wrongly. This situation, once started can escalate and ultimately destroy the relationship.

Looking at the diagram below, where do you see yourself in your relationship? As we have discovered, things can go wrong when we feel that we are not getting enough back, but the problem here is that even if we are not getting our needs met, we can either feel depressed by this or examine whether or not our needs are justified and how we can take steps to modify our own needs to suit the relationship whilst not compromising our own values and identity.

As people, we all have complex needs and desires, some of which will be unreasonable but nevertheless they are part of us. If you imagine all these needs as people in their own right with the 'rational' part of you in the centre, you can start to identify where the problem areas lie.

It is the person in the centre who represents the 'director' amongst this 'cast' of people. Try to think of the cast as people who are looking to the director for guidance and let him take centre stage rather than letting the others run riot. By doing this, you start to regain control and consequently your attitude to the relationship becomes far more functional. You may not feel the 'boss' in the relationship, but you will feel the 'boss' of yourself which will eventually take the heat off the relationship problems.

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